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Asking Questions


Walking through the wilderness


Yesterday I shared of one of the sweetest times of my life with Jesus. Today I’m sharing what came next. 

I hate to paint a picture of everything falling into place and being easy. The last few months have been one of the most difficult of my life. Very similar to my first trimester with Vivi, I again felt not only an overwhelming exhaustion and nausea but a sadness and a lack of motivation to do anything. Each day simply felt like I was trying to make it through to the next. With all the hormones, my melancholy spirit can quickly fall into sadness and this rough season was no different. The only word I have had to describe it is a wilderness.

On top of so many personal issues, the problems with the book weighed so heavily on me. I was overwhelmed with this sense of disappointing so many people, including myself. It was a completely different test of my patience from waiting for a baby. And like any season of waiting, it was the not knowing if we’d be waiting 2 weeks or 2 months that had me tense for almost 6 weeks straight.

It was crazy to be hit so soon with another lesson in waiting. And once again God told me His timing is best. I can’t tell y’all how many stories I’ve heard of the book showing up right when you needed it most.

So here we are, coming out of the fog, coming out the wilderness, but it still doesn’t feel over with yet. But lately the Lord has been speaking to me through so many different avenues. This whole time, I’ve been waiting to make it through the rough part, but God has been telling me He isn’t waiting for me to be completely whole or clear headed to come to Him. He’s not waiting for me to get back to my regular 5 AM wake up call and hour long quiet times with Him. He wants whatever I have right now in this season.

I keep thinking I need to walk this season alone because I don’t have it as “together” as I normally do. It feels like I’m always learning more about this grace thing. Yesterday at church was a huge step for me. We have been talking about Jonah and yesterday’s sermon had me in tears again. Our pastor talked about wiped away this plan I’ve had to come back to Jesus when I’m done being tired or sick. I forget the incredible love has for me. “God loves me” sounds so trite.

Ironically, it’s those moments I truly understand God’s grace and love for me that have had me overcome by the desire to adopt. Casey Chappell shared this after welcoming another sweet baby into their family through adoption. “Adoption is scary and risky…but it’s amazing and makes the gospel come alive in your heart.”

Gospel come alive. I love that.

Adoption is still very much on our hearts and we’d love your prayers for where God leads our family in the future!

If you are not a believer and have never heard about God’s scandalous love for you, if you are a believer who’s made a mess of things, if you are a believer who thinks you have to have it all “together”, I want you to listen to this message and be wrapped in God’s grace today!

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