I have been waiting to share this story with y’all ever since we found out we were pregnant. God taught me two very big lessons over the last few months. Today I’ll be sharing that first lesson and tomorrow I’ll share the second.
I’ve talked pretty openly that Tyler and I had started trying for another baby in January. Our journey was longer than I had expected after our pregnancy with Vivi, but still just a drop in the bucket of time that some couples go through. I honestly had very little understanding of what it was like to feel the disappointment each month that so many couples go through, but I got a small taste of this over the last 8 months.
Past seasons of waiting carried me through though. Each month had a momentary sadness and then the Lord would gently remind me that He knew exactly when we needed to bring another child into our family. I found so much comfort in this idea each month, more than I expected to actually. I also found comfort in the fact that during my first trimester with Vivi I was pretty much a puddle of exhaustion and nausea and completely unmotivated. I couldn’t imagine writing, editing or designing a book while pregnant! So each month, I was able to look at the bright side that I had another month to dedicate to this other baby of mine.
I remember asking friends to pray for me though when August came around. The book was done and it would be the first month that felt like it could be perfect timing. I’d wedge all the first trimester sickness in between book writing and the Christmas season. It would be perfect!! I prayed so much for God to give me peace if it didn’t happen in these seemingly perfect window.
During this time, I had been reading the book Anything by Jennie Allen. I had already felt the Lord stir my heart towards adoption after learning more about The Archibald Project and reading Jen Hatmaker’s book Seven.
In the book Anything, I was again given a picture of adoption and letting God have every dream and goal we have and it was just beautiful. Still in my mind I clung to this idea that we’d have another baby through our own pregnancy and then eventually adopt. I almost felt like part of it was just my competitive and goal-oriented nature that had set out to get pregnant and wouldn’t be able to move forward until that happened.
On August 23, I made two entries into my Anything journal.
The first I wrote early in the morning.
2020 Yearly Prayer Journal
FIND FOCUS. ELIMINATE DISTRACTIONS. EXPERIENCE GOD.
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“The stirring of adoption has been on my heart. Despicable Me had me tearing up this week. It had me thinking, if we aren’t pregnant by January, I want us to start looking seriously into adoption. And honestly, even if we do get pregnant before then, I want to start looking into it. … God you are in control. Call us as you feel led. Make it clear to both of us. Lord we trust You with our desire (at least one more now biological). Do your will.”
And the second I wrote a little later.
“You are speaking Lord. This morning after I wrote about adoption and asking you to make it clear to both of us, Tyler said he finally read up on the Planned Parenthood stuff and felt like the answer was love, maybe if we valued those babies (were willing to pay more for them), they’d never get there in the first place.”
Tyler had made it clear that he was open to adoption too. This wasn’t just my thing.
And then we went to church. (You may remember this post I made about it.)
We sang “Overwhelmed” at the end of the service. I was literally overwhelmed by how clearly God spoke to me during that song. I’m sobbing right now just thinking about it again because it might be the realest I’ve ever heard God speak to me and the realest I’ve ever been back with God. He told me to let go of my dream to have a baby. He told me we’d adopt. I never in a million years thought I’d be able to say “Ok Lord. I give you this dream” but it was as if I couldn’t resist Him. My heart was so totally matched with His plan for my life that I felt joy to give Him this dream. I felt such a release as we left church and the most content I had ever felt at the idea of maybe never being pregnant again. And I think that’s right where God had wanted me all along, to desire His will more than my own.
So the next day, I could have taken an early pregnancy but I decided to wait. I was finally content and I had our big product shoot on Thursday and didn’t want to be consumed with a yes or no before the shoot. My birthday happened to be Friday so I figured I’d take the test then but didn’t tell anyone.
That morning I popped out of bed, took the test. I walked out, avoided Tyler’s face and laid back in bed while he headed in the bathroom for his morning shower. I put the test out right where he would see it and when he saw it he just started saying “Seriously?” I was already in tears by this point. And eventually he said that was pretty risky taking a pregnancy test on my birthday. What if it was a no? I told him that I had felt so much peace about the outcome that I knew a “no” wouldn’t ruin my day.
It was crazy the timing of everything. For months I had felt that feeling of wondering why it was taking so much longer this time. But it wasn’t “taking longer.” There was nothing wrong with us. God just saw the bigger picture. It was so symbolic too. Not 24 hours earlier had I (for the majority) wrapped up a huge season of designing a new collection and writing a book with our big photoshoot.
What followed next was a blissful week at the beach with our family and virtually no pregnancy symptoms. I was just so incredibly grateful for this answered prayer.